


The Death of Me

by OkLumi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Draco Malfoy, Dark, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, POV Draco Malfoy, Parent/Child Incest, Pining Draco Malfoy, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:21:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23176876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkLumi/pseuds/OkLumi
Summary: It hurts againDown, down where I can’t lookPerhaps it’s bleeding again, perhaps notHow would I know?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Lucius Malfoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 69





	The Death of Me

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t want to spoil too much (though I know this is very short), but this deals with internalized as well as externalized homophobia, rape aftermath (incest, underage) and self-deprecating thoughts. Quite experimental in style. The rape is not graphic, but please be cautious, take care of yourself and remember that we will get through these hard times together.

It hurts again  
Down, down where I can’t look  
Perhaps it’s bleeding again, perhaps not  
How would I know?  
That’s not why the sheets are red  
Not why something wet slowly travels down my thigh  
Not why it smells metallic  
I’m not bleeding, no, I don’t want to be

He does  
Wants me to  
But I’m not, see?  
The red is spilled wine, the darker spots are simply drying, clogging ink splotches  
The wet is sweat,  
The metallic is the potion in the brewing room downstairs

Mother  
She sometimes looks at me strangely  
With that look in her eyes  
That sincerity in her features  
That accusing, disapproving, yet curious tilt of her head  
That twitch of her mouth I never know what to make of  
As if she knows  
Knows?  
But she doesn’t, no  
She simply looks at me strangely  
A seldom occurrence, but a startling one nonetheless  
Just as seldom, I want to tell her  
But I don’t

Severus  
Not a good man by any respectable standard, I’m well aware  
But kind to me when it mattered the most  
Silent, always judging  
But reliable nonetheless  
He’s always treated my wounds, after all  
Even when it was four in the morning, he’d been out in a storm, and Father told him not to  
He was always there  
Like a looming scarecrow you don’t know how to feel about because it somehow frightens and reassures you simultaneously  
Godfather  
Almost Father  
What if it was him?  
Would it be better?  
Yes, I tell myself, anyone would be better  
But Severus would always heal me when I was found  
Father wouldn’t  
I would be dead by now, then  
Not that I would mind  
Not that anyone would

The others  
They laugh when purebloods marry cousins, siblings  
Would they laugh at this, too?  
Or would they nod and go  
“Serves the faggot right, does it”  
They don’t understand  
With their simple, childlike understanding of the world  
They don’t see evil because they don’t want to  
So, they see evil people instead  
They don’t understand  
Never will  
But they don’t have to

And Potter  
I see the way he looks at me  
I know, always have  
That the feelings we have for each other are polar opposites  
Yes, he has feelings for me, only a fool would deny it  
But bad feelings  
Of hate, loathing, pity, aversion, abhorrence  
But most of all disgust  
I disgust him  
With everything I do, am, represent, display  
Every fibre of my body disgusts him  
And I can’t even blame him for it  
Because who wouldn’t hate someone like me?  
Yet I want him  
I sometimes imagine it’s him on top of me  
It still doesn’t wake my body  
But it helps, in a perverted way  
One single time did it make me hard  
Strong, tanned hands instead of bony, white ones  
I still hate myself for that one time  
But it helped, in a perverted way  
Malfoy instead of boy  
Potter instead of Father  
Fuck you instead of please, don’t  
Hate-fucking me, punishing me, and it still hurts, but at least it’s someone I want  
Even though I know he, too, only would do it as punishment  
I just want him  
Any way I can  
Screaming into my face, fucking me open, staring at me like I’m the Dark Lord  
Killing me  
I just want him  
Him and his green eyes

Merlin, I love him  
With every fibre of my being  
But he would never do such a thing  
Kill me, he would  
But not touch me  
He would never look at a man the way I do  
He’s not born wrong  
He’s the chosen one  
Precisely my polar opposite, I know

He’s furious  
It’s in his eyes, the wild, wild fury  
It thrills me to know that I, filthy faggot me, makes him angrier than the Dark Lord  
That I manage to rile him up like this, and no one else  
He’s mad, I know  
So am I  
I know what he’ll do long before he even thinks the thought, long before he understands he is even capable of it  
I should be scared  
He usually scares me  
But I feel nothing

And when the green light hits me  
All I can see is the green of his eyes


End file.
